Now or not now

I don't do resolutions.

I spent New Year's Eve at my sister's place. She went all out for the chili cook-off. It was raining, so we stayed inside, which turned her house into this beautiful chaos: too many people, too much food, someone's guitar. There was karaoke. I did Selena's "Bidi Bidi Bom Bom" and committed fully. My dogs kept stealing bites of chili. I'd brought my new digital camcorder that shoots like Super 8, so now I have all this grainy footage of people I love being ridiculous.

The rain made it perfect. Nobody wanted to drive home in it, so everybody stayed, and we danced in the living room until way too late.

Today it finally stopped. I woke up to bright sun and that clean feeling you get after days of grey, and I took a long walk around the reservoir, the kind where you're not trying to get anywhere, just moving. Everything felt quiet and new. That's what I want more of this year: moments that feel real while they're happening. Less performance, more presence. It's the only metric I care about.

I'm reading The Lover again. Duras has this line: "Very early in my life it was too late." I think about it every time someone tells me they'll reach out when the timing's better. The timing is never better. There's only now or not now.

I made a playlist from that night. Air to Selena to LCD Soundsystem to Frank Ocean, the whole arc from dancing in the living room to 3am with no one leaving.